Filmfail.com

Make this Valentine's Day a special one.

Regular visitors to filmfail.com know that I hate many things. Many many many many…things. While Valentine’s Day sits comfortably among those things I hate, Valentine’s Day the movie is vying for a pretty lofty spot on the list. The movie Valentine’s Day is basically just what we all hate about Valentine’s Day: attractive people pretending they’re happy for the 90 minutes they’re in contact with the outside world. Also, we have to deal with Ashton Kutcher’s bullshit notions like, “love is the only shocking act left on the planet.” There are tons of shocking acts left on the planet, like Paul Giamatti, for instance. Intrigued? You should be, fellow hater. You should be. OBSERVE!

Okay, I’d love to stop and chat, but I need to go reassess my life, because it seems that I have a Giamatti on my hands.

Dan

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Indeed you has.

Calm your nerves and check out this review of Frozen, a shitty horror movie about being stuck in a ski lift for a totally long time, man. To prove how dedicated I am to you horrible people, I reenacted the entirety of the movie in this episode of trailer trash. Yes. The entire movie, verbatim. Also, we speculate as to whether or not I’m wearing pants. It’s been an issue for some time, and as a serious journalist person guy, I have to expose the important issues.

Alright that’s all for today, because I can’t type anymore, because I’m a butterfingers. By which I mean my fingers are made of butter, like Edward Butterhands. Perhaps I can make the town a better butter place and become a famous toast-butterer. Oh dreams, beautiful dreams.

-D

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"I'm a professional. See? I have...pens."

This week’s Trailer Trash is on When in Rome, with Kristen Bell. That idiom bothers me, because people always shorten it from “When in Rome, do as the Romans do,” and I get the inclination that they don’t even know the entire saying, and they only repeat it because they’ve heard so many other people say “when in Rome…” It’s a perfect example of why people shouldn’t take that advice, because if you just do things you see other people doing, then everyone ends up forgetting why we started doing it in the first place. So then people just continue doing it for no real reason, despite the fact that they think it’s kind of pointless, and before you know it, we have twitter. Speaking of which you can follow me at twitter.com/danrickmers. See what I did there? Great, you’re a genius. Now watch the video.

You know, I like you kids. If you were dating a girl named Beth, I wouldn’t kick you out of filmfail.com. Especially not if you’re a girl yourself. It’s a safe space.

Dan “Friend to Lesbians Dating Girls Named Beth” Rickmers

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Dwayne Johnson (Right), Sexy Man-Meat (Also Right)

As many of you know, we here at filmfail.com love showing you images of heavily muscled men. Just constant streams of sexy man-curves, awww yeah. There might be some things in this video which aren’t sexy man-curves, and for that I apologize. I did my best to edit out anything which I deemed unsexy, unmanly, or un…curve…ly, but some things may have escaped my all-powerful grasp. I hope you all enjoy the green screen which I could have easily manipulated to make the background more interesting, but did not. You can’t always have everything you want in life, and if I don’t teach you that, how will you ever develop a crippling dependence on my every word?

Hugsies,
Dan

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Hey ladies, I have some chipmunks here for you, which I know are the key to arousing you, so let me just get-what? What do you mean you harbor no feelings of sexual attraction towards chipmunks? Dammit, Alvin and the Chipmunks 2, you’ve lied to me yet again!!! Ah forget it. These Chipmunks, if you are somehow unfamiliar with them, sing squeaky versions of pop songs, like Glee for the mentally challenged, and then, once their prey has been lulled into a trance-like stupor, they viciously nibble out their eyeballs. It’s very realistically done in the movie, I think they used real eyeballs. Anyway, enjoy!

Dan

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