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It’s time to feign authority and decree which movies are the worst of these past ten years. It’s a tough job, because there has been so much suckage, but I think One Missed Call really takes the cake. It has everything you wouldn’t want in a horror movie, and more. I actually watched this pathetic, awful excuse for a movie, and I CHALLENGE you to get through it without trying to kill yourself at least once. I tried multiple times, but it turned out like this. So, unfortunately, I lived through this movie and here is a gripping documentary of my struggle:

Okay, full disclosure: I really just like making scenes with people lying on top of each other look like sex scenes. That’s my big goal in life. Leave a comment right here, on this page, of what you think the funniest bad movie of the 2000’s was, and if you’re correct, it shall be the subject of next week’s TRAILER TRASH.

Quite Indubitably,
Sir Daniel Rick

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Shirtless Men Provide Cinematic Quality

You have entered the Twilight Zone. Beyond this world, sucky movies are shown. Speaking of Rush songs, I think I may have subconsciously quoted some of their lyrics in this review. So, the people I know who are Twilight fans even have to clarify that they “know it’s bad,” but like it anyway. Therefore, I feel obligated to ignore this fact and insult this movie regardless. Twilight’s second installment, New Moon, has hot Vampires and muscly Werewolves, but a severe lack of sexy zombies. Therefore this is an automatic failure in my book. I mean, even Harry Potter has zombie-like monsters in it! Instead, this movie just has emo kids complaining about how nothing really mattress. Here’s my woefully uninformed New Moon Review, for your pleasure and satisfaction:

Next week I may do a review of a random youtube video, or I may just do the same thing I do every week. Who knows? I’m c-c-c-crayzeee!!!

L-L-L-later erebody,
Daniel

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This week, we’re bringing you the very best in Michael Moore Mocking Technology, but can you improve on the latest and greatest insults to the fat, whiny documentarian? Leave a comment below, and see if your mockery skills can walk with the big boys (the big boys in this case referring to Michael Moore).

Also involved in this episode are Ricky Gervais in “The Invention of Lying“, The Coen Brothers make a movie that’s better than everyone else’s called “A Serious Man“, Ricky Gervais gives us his opinion on Troll 2, and footage is released of Michael Moore’s short-lived career as a pizza delivery guy. Check back next week for a new film fail. We’ll have something special…maybe. I wont post your beautiful mockeries of Michael Moore next week, though. That will happen in two weeks, because I’m working on your special treat that’s totally not just me being too lazy to make a Trailer Trash next week. Speculate:

Define ya pronouns! Exclaim tings wit a ghetto pronunciation! Worrrrd. Make fun of Michael Moore in the comment box below, and you will feel all tingly inside for having done so. That’s the tingle of being a righteous person. It’s a good tingle. Tingle tingle kooloo-limpah!

Sincerely,
Your real father

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I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (or the convenient and clever acronym IHTSBIH) has been the subject of a lot of controversy for it’s blatant objectification of women…but what about the fact that it’s just a shitty movie? Tucker Max, it’s cool if you want to be all perverse and whatnot, but at least put a little effort into being clever! Geez.

Though it’s still not the worst thing you could see this weekend. Preacher’s Kid will probably shock the 4 people who happen to go see it by mistake, because it looks and sounds like it was made on a camera that’s even cheaper than my own. Letoya Luckett and Tammy Townsend star in this movie…I think…and if I’m wrong, who really cares? Well, I’m sure they might, but I sincerely doubt they’ll ever see this video, or their own movie for that matter. In either case, whoever paid $8.95 to make this movie should have sprung for a camera that was at least better than the iSight.

Here’s this week’s video, where we answer LAST week’s question, talk about these two fabtastic movies, die a thousand deaths, and ask another GRIPPING question.

Did that video just blow your mind? It certainly blew mine! Ba dum tisssss. I wanted to try out the art of head explody, and it’s not perfect, but I think it’s a good start. Oh look at me, distracting us from the grave issue at hand:

WHERE da hoes at? It’s like Where’s Waldo, but with women who have no other financial means of supporting themselves aside from selling their bodies to dirty men with HIV. Sounds fun!

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If I had to think up a corny joke to go along with this week’s video, it would go a little something like this: “I tried to make this video P.C., but it turns out I’m a Mac!” Ahahaha, I slay me. Instead of focusing only on one, I looked at basically all the big movies coming out this week, because I couldn’t decide on only one I didn’t want to see. Yeah, I’m not going to be seeing a movie this weekend, if you didn’t already assume that. This venture has actually had a positive real world application in that respect. Now, people always know better than to ask me to go see a movie, they’ll say “Dan, do you want to go see…oh wait, you probably don’t want to see anything, right?” and then I say “OF COURSE NOT” and I eat them. Om nom nom.

This video answers last week’s question, “Would you rather watch a Tyler Perry movie or Gay Porn?” The results were none too surprising. Check out all the exciting excitement:

Wasn’t that excitement exciting? I liked the part where he was all like “NO” but it was funny because, aww you know…ya had to be there.

VOTE:
Leave a comment as to whether you’d rather Love Happens to end happily or in DEATH. If you vote for the answer I want you to pick, I just might count it! That’s right, screw everything, this is a fascist democracy!

Love,
Daniel

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