Twilight is not the worst vampire movie ever. There, are you happy? Vampires Suck is so terrible, so stupid, so un-funny, that I would rather watch Twilight. Honestly, let’s queue it up on my netflix, I will go toe-to-toe with anyone to prove that Twilight is more entertaining than Vampires Suck.

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It's funny because Vampires think her face is food, and a cheeseburger is also food!

Fact: All the laughs in Twilight come from horribly awkward dialogue and unintentional sight gags, whereas all the laughs in Vampires Suck are PREVENTED by horribly awkward attempts at humor and heavy-handed sight gags AKA people falling down a lot.

I make fun of Twilight pretty often. In fact, an entire section of this website is devoted to it, but the difference between me making fun of Twilight and them making fun of Twilight is that I try to go beyond saying “oh that’s gay” unlike this fool-ass movie. No one is trying to argue that Twilight isn’t both stupid and homoerotic, but Twilight is so absurd that those things don’t even begin to cover the breadth of hilarity available to a potential spoofer.

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It's funny because he's putting on makeup, and makeup is gay!

For example, how about the disgusting blue filter put over the entire movie? For no reason would Vampires Suck need to cram in as many unrelated pop-culture mentions as it does. Jersey Shore? Alice in Wonderland? Lady Gaga? I know it’s in Friedberg and Seltzer’s nature to do this shit, as they have in every single Scary Movie iteration and spin-off they’ve made in their wretched career, but what in God’s name does Lady Gaga have to do with Twilight? If you’re not going to be funny, at least pretend like you’re trying!

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It's funny because...wait, no, they forgot to make this a joke.

Just the fact that people consider this a spoof makes me want to cry into my pillow every night. This is not a spoof. A real spoof plays with genre conventions to subvert and ideally modify the genre it’s spoofing, maybe throw in some social satire there to add an intellectual element to it (too much to ask from the writers of Disaster Movie). I want to go back to the time when the word “spoof” made people think of Blazing Saddles, Airplane, Shaun of the Dead or even Wet Hot American Summer. So in other words, basically anytime before people started phoning it in by making some iteration of  (Insert genre) Movie every two years!


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