It’s a rare occasion when a sequel’s arrival is actually a good thing, and with Shrek Forever After, I have to say that I was fairly pleased. I mean, sure the series is as tired as it was after Shrek 2, and sure there are no laughs to be had or any redeeming qualities to speak of, but think about it; this is the FINAL CHAPTER. Never again will we be asked to sit through Mike Myers’ needless Scottish accent and the slightly higher quality Nasonex commercial that is Antonio Banderas’ Puss in Boots. In fact, the only thing I still enjoy about this series is that cinematic technology has finally found a way to make Cameron Diaz actually look less horribly unattractive than real life. I guess Dreamworks has you beat there, Pixar.

In this totally not phoned-in film, Shrek tires of his day-to-day life, much in the way that one would feel after seeing four entire Shrek films, and his buddy Rumpelstiltskin fixes it for him by making everyone in the world forget who Shrek is. I’m sad that the spell didn’t work on me. Maybe then I’d also forget that the careers of Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers, two of the most successful comedians in Hollywood, have degraded to simply ejaculating words in kooky voices. If Eddie Murphy tried to make RAW now, it would probably include a fatsuit. At least the time spent on Shrek may have momentarily distracted Eddie from making The Nutty Professor 3.

So in any case, Shrek has to kiss the princess or some bullshit like that, and then he does, and then we can all go home with our dignities stripped and our constitutions broken, but somehow victorious because we know it will never happen again. We have sealed the monster away for good, and scattered the pieces of the Triforce throughout the land, but if the Halloween movie series has taught us anything, Mike Myers will always return, and when he does, we need to be prepared. We will need a hero, and that hero’s name is: FILM FAIL.

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