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Remember Me. How could we forget? It’s not like Twilight fangirlboys ever shut up about Robert Pattinson, and if it’s not Twilight, it’s Lost, so it only makes sense that movie producermans would make a movie with stars from BOTH in it. Ya got yer Robert Pattinson, ya got yer Emilie de Ravin, Throw in a little 9/11 controversy and ye got yerself a clusterfuck of successful box office returns! It was also a smart move on his part to save money on a screenwriter by having it written by a teen romance novelist. Oh it wasn’t? Coulda fooled me!

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Soh-ry aboot the bad quality of that picture I drew. My scanner stopped working, because scanners are evil. Naughty scanner.

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This Oscar in a garbage can, where it belongs.

This week I handicap the 2010 Oscars, but it’s not like I needed to handicap The Academy Awards when they’re already so retarded, right? Right guys? Anyway, in this video I kidnap James Cameron, Kathryn Bigelow, Jason Reitman and Sandra Bullock…and what do they do? Start having sex in my closet. Great. You’d think that last thing that divorced people would do with each other is have sex. Well technically dying is the last thing they’d do. It’s really the last thing anyone would do. Woah. It just got mad existential up in here.

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The original wasn't any better, but it WAS funnier.

Here we have yet another remake of George Romero’s B Horror movies, The Crazies. I have no idea why this is happening, but I’m assuming it’s because no one has ever seen the original. B Horror movies are rarely, if ever the slightest bit scary. In fact, the main reason people watch them is because they’re funny. The original The Crazies features some of the worst acting you’ll ever see in your life, and that’s honestly the main appeal. This remake is bad for different reasons, like it’s the original minus the joy you’d get by hearing so many terrible untrained actors deliver lines with the finesse of an eggplant. Clumsy eggplants! Watch the video.
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Be sure to tell all your friends and loved ones, lest they turn into crazies and murder you!

Dan

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Lulz.

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Dear John,
Here’s a video of me talking about your movie. Really I’m just making fun of it, but I like to call it a review sometimes, because then I imagine more people will find it in their sporadic google searches. Disregarding the fact that everyone who’s anyone ALREADY goes to the ends of the earth to watch these videos, I thought it might be nice to make it easier to find that way. I think a lot of sad, depressed women and even sadder, more depressed men will endeavor to see Dear John for an excuse to cry and eat chocolate to fill the crippling loneliness in their hearts. I’m cool with that, in fact I’d like it if you could videotape your tears and email them to me (your tears give me power), but I just think you should watch better movies while you do it. Better idea: watch this review while you do it. If anyone sends me a video of themselves crying while they’re watching this review, I’ll totally use it in next week’s Trailer Trash.

I guess I kinda forgot I was pretending this was a letter to this “John” fool. You gonna cry about it?

Love,
Danny Ricks

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Make this Valentine's Day a special one.

Regular visitors to filmfail.com know that I hate many things. Many many many many…things. While Valentine’s Day sits comfortably among those things I hate, Valentine’s Day the movie is vying for a pretty lofty spot on the list. The movie Valentine’s Day is basically just what we all hate about Valentine’s Day: attractive people pretending they’re happy for the 90 minutes they’re in contact with the outside world. Also, we have to deal with Ashton Kutcher’s bullshit notions like, “love is the only shocking act left on the planet.” There are tons of shocking acts left on the planet, like Paul Giamatti, for instance. Intrigued? You should be, fellow hater. You should be. OBSERVE!

Okay, I’d love to stop and chat, but I need to go reassess my life, because it seems that I have a Giamatti on my hands.

Dan

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