Why in God’s holy name does Team Jacob exist? Yeah, we’re talking Twilight again on Filmfail.com…big surprise, right? For those of you who aren’t familiar with Twilight, (save yourselves while you still can!) it’s about this creepy girl named Bella who is courted by an even creepier glittery vampire named Edward and counter-courted by a douchey shirtless werewolf man named Jacob. As you can imagine, there’s an overly melodramatic love triangle and blah blah blah, who cares? Well, the tweens care. Way too much, in fact.

Twilight die-hards, or Twi-hards, or Twi-tards, break off into two teams: Team Edward and Team Jacob. Are you following? I know this is complicated. Now these kids at the screenings just go crazy whenever “their man” does anything super romantic aka stalkery…or flexes their muscles. Edward doesn’t do too much of that last one, the wimpy girly-man!

Now here’s the point of all this; everyone on Team Jacob is fucking retarded. Harsh? Yes. However, Twilight is a book series…that has ended…the story isn’t exactly a mystery anymore. Now I haven’t looked at so much as a Wikipedia page and even I know that Bella, played by the pale, deadened Kristen Stewart ends up getting with Edward in the end. It’s common knowledge. Why then, would a massive sect of Twi-tards, who have probably read the books thousands of times, STILL root for Jacob? There’s quite frankly nothing to root for! That’s like rooting for the allied forces to invade the beaches of Normandy in 1943! When we all know the allied forces didn’t invade until 1944! Hah!

Regardless of how much larger Taylor Lautner’s abdominal muscles may be, or how intellectually stimulating his song stylings may seem:

The fact of the matter is that the book series has finished. We know who Bella picks, because the Mormon who is responsible for all of this, Stephanie Meyer, has already decided the outcome in her Mormon brain and written it on her Mormon computer and sent it to her Mormon publisher with her Mormon E-Mail. M-Mail. So arguing over the matter is stupid. And since I’m arguing over the matter right now, I’m stupid.

Team Edward fans aren’t getting out of this unscathed either. Bring papa his belt! Having rallies and making T-shirts and acting like your team just got into the Super Bowl or something is pointless, because it’s not like Team Edward’s adoring support is making the movies back the relationship between Bella and Edward. If Twi-tards want to feel loved and write fanfics together, then cut the Mary-Sue bullshit and start writing more Edward/Jacob Slashfics. A glittery vampire who hasn’t had sex with a girl in thousands of years and a werewolf who walks around shirtless and goes to the gym way too often? Sounds like Brokeback Mountain just waiting to happen.

Edward and Jacob are Gay


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