Okay okay, I know it’s a dance movie, but it’s been a long time since I laughed at a trailer as much as I did while watching Step Up 3D’s trailer. You thought 3D movies were bad (they are) and you also thought dancing movies were bad (they REALLY are) well can you even imagine how bad a dancing movie is IN 3D? No you cannot. You literally do not have the cognitive capacity to imagine what it’s like for dancers to constantly jut their elbows toward the camera so it’ll make a crazy 3D popping effect straight out of 3D movies from the 80s.

step-up-3d-adam-sevini

But really they just rotoscoped this guy's hair.

This movie has everything you could ever want in a dance movie, and everything you could ever NOT want in a good movie, even an obligatory Black Guy Doing The Robot! That means so much dancing that the only dialogue left over can be boiled down to vague, overstated truisms like “one move can set a whole generation free!” Really? Free from what? Free from not dancing? I guess if dancing really sets people free than we should really be working harder to teach wrongfully imprisoned people around the world how to DANCE!

dance-prisoners

All you need is some dance moves, broski.

I was going to google to make sure, but because I don’t give a shit, I’m just going to assume that this is the spiritual sequel to Step Up 2: DA STREETZ, whose poster always made me think it was Step Up TO DA STREETZ. A brilliant ambiguousness with the power to evoke utter cognitive dissonance. Beautiful. Well in this movie, “The New Guy” pictured above has to join this other guy’s House, where everyone dance-battles. I guess you have to dance-battle SOMEWHERE, right? It’s weird how every dance movie I’ve seen in the past ten years has been about dance-battles, starting with that seminal film YOU GOT SERVED. Can’t dancers do something other than battle? No. Because war don’t change. Some battles must go on forever. And those battles, are dance battles.


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