This week in Dream Killing, producer Jerry Bruckheimer takes your most cherished childhood memory and molests it! Enlisting the help of Nicolas Cage and Jay Baruchel, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is basically a live action remake of Disney’s Sorcerer’s Apprentice from Fantasia with about 80 minutes of ‘splosions tacked on to it so it could eventually count as a feature-length movie. The end result, however, is just lots of boring, actiony garbage that anyone over the age of 4 should be tired of by this point.
The story: Jay Baruchel, the eternally childlike nerdy guy, wants to get with some chick but is too nerdy to do anything that normal people do, so he is deemed THE CHOSEN ONE by the great sorcerer Nigolas, and together they fight off Asian dudes, because if there are Asian dudes, they’re always bad guys in Hollywood movies about magic, because Hollywood totally isn’t racist.
Doesn’t that sound like the story of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice? The one with Mickey magicking some brooms to clean up for him? Oh, it doesn’t? Well maybe because this is a terrible remake, and an even worse standalone film. They DO rehash the broom scene, but it’s mainly Jay Baruchel saying “woah this is crazy, how am I, a normal person like you, supposed to comprehend the magicness of this magic around me?” and not at all like the original cartoon which is bad ass. In this version however, there is a lot lost in translation. Not to mention the fact that this is like the 4th degree of separation from the original poem by Goethe, which became the musical composition by Paul Dukas, which became the Disney animated short in Fantasia, which then became a Nicolas Cage vehicle. And homeslice doesn’t even Cage enough to make The Sorcerer’s Apprentice as hilarious as The Wicker Man. Also, kamehameha waves.