I was going to make a video review of Shorts, but whenever I tried to open my mouth to speak of it, it was all I could do to keep myself from wildly shouting unmentionable expletives for no less than 4 minutes. So instead I decided to write the words down so you could take something away from this entry aside from a hearing impairment. However, for those who enjoy my unbridled anger and rage, know that as I write this I am also screaming things like “Piss!” and “Kat Dennings!” angrily at the top of my lungs. Multitasking.

So you know where I’m coming from, waste fifty-seven seconds of your life by watching the trailer:

Now now, before you get TOO pissed off by that “telephonesis” joke (come on, if it’s based off of telekinesis, “telephonesis” would be the ability to move telephones or something, and in could in NO WAY mean “having a telephone in your head”. If we’re making bad jokes, let’s at least be accurate here.) look at the following picture and tell me you don’t have a new found appreciation for the movie.


Touching, I know. When I first watched the trailer I thought this was going to be another one of those lame family comedies which adults think that kids really like, when in reality kids only watch them because they’re unaware that anything better exists. Which, by the way, is a terrible thing to do to a child. I had no idea that good movies even EXISTED until my parents started letting me see whatever I wanted to. I thought the whole world was just one awful Super Mario Brothers Movie after another. However, this is TOTALLY different, because we can watch it and just pretend that everyone in the movie is opening up their hearts and bodies to homosexuality which makes it just a really funny movie.

Imagine, Shorts takes place in a straitlaced town, where heterosexuality is the only thing known. Until one day, gay pride manifests itself in a rock buried within a dung pile. The town lesbian is finally able to enact her sexual revenge against the boys who refused to let her express herself. The gay boys can finally start their drama club at school. The dad is no longer confined by the thralls of being a money-hungry pile of dick, and realizes that all this time he was just a dick-hungry pile of money. Sometimes, you need to be careful what you wish for, because when his sexuality is finally released, the dad goes mad with power, becoming no less than a cockicidal maniac actually transforming into a gigantic black dildo. Stripped of fertile men and women, the children of the town battle the sex-crazed father for control of their sexual freedom. In the end, the kids are finally able to overcome the dildo and it shrivels up into a pile of sweaty rubber. The stone sits calmly on the erotic battleground as the kids wipe the seminal fluids from their faces. “We’ve done it,” the lesbian gasps, “we’ve finally done it.” The gay boys look longingly at each other and agree, “We’ve come this far together.” Then they walk silently across the football field, with their heads in the air, and each raise one fist to the sky in triumph.

However, we all know that deep down in our hearts this movie is not a beautiful discovery of Robert Rodriguez’s closeted homosexuality, and instead just a stupid kids movie which is comparable to shoving a hot metal spike through one’s eye for 90 minutes. Be this as it may, people still hold children to some kind of evil, dehumanizing double standard and say, “These kidses like kidses movies. You want the kidses to like the non-kidses movies, but these kidses are kidses and these kidses dont want to watch anything ‘sept for kidses movies because kidses are only interested in the kidses movies for kidses.”


Rant Ahead, Proceed with Caution:
The only reason kids like seeing stupid movies is because that’s what you subject them to every minute of every day. I’ll bet if you stopped subjecting your kids to the filth of the entertainment world, your kids might actually NOT turn out to be complete idiots themselves. You might think that this kind of cutesy, cheesy family comedy is something families need right now, what with the disintegration of the family unit and whatever other shit you’ve been reading off of the little blurbs you find on the “Top Critics” tab of rottentomatoes.com, but if that’s what you really think, then you’re probably one of those complete idiots I was just referring to yourself, because Shorts is a 90 minute long live action cartoon wherein Robert Rodriguez can’t even get his act together and deliver a single narrative construct, instead dishing out a bunch of “shorts” (good one, fuckhole) promoting dumber people, shorter attention spans and…you’re…you’re not paying attention anymore are you?

Seriously though. I’m not against multi-character narratives. Happiness was awesome, Robert Altman has made some good movies, Magnolia had it’s moments, Crash was…okay Crash was bad but at least it TRIED to be a good movie. However this movie is just 5 or 6 stories thrown at you one after another without any real attempt at tying them all together, which just makes it feel like you’re watching Saturday morning cartoons for an hour and a half. I know some of you bastards like going to see movies as an “escape” from real life, somewhere you can just feel like there’s nothing weighing you down, like none of those children you never wanted to have are all going to grow up to be hopeless drug addicts who beat their spouses, like your parents weren’t being totally lame when they bought you that lame “used” car instead of that Lexis which would have SO matched your fav cardigan, but I thought that’s why we had TV. I know none of you people actually consider Family Guy to be a gripping commentary on postmodern America or anything like that. Movies are also a fucking art form if any of you forgot, so you bitches need to stop watching BULL SHIT and see movies that make you think of something more pressing than the perfect moment to make out with little miss Mary Jane Rottencrotch.

As for this specific movie, I think if you take your kids to see movies like this all the time, then they’ll love it, because hey, if you’re already training your kids to be stupid, guess what? They’re probably stupid. Let me be straight with you. I’m sure it’s pretty obvious by now that I don’t like kids. I mean I don’t understand how anyone could, they’re basically smaller, uglier, and less talented versions of (successful) adults, but there’s no reason those miserable excuses for human beings have to grow up to be failures as well. I don’t care what you do with your kids, teach them to play the harpsichord, beat them with rusty planks of wood, sell them into sexual slavery just DONT make them add to the already ghastly number of idiots we have parading around as though they own the place, because it’s gotten to the point where they DO. Oh well, at least we can make bad movies better by pretending that all the main characters are gay, right? I mean that’s why I liked the latest Harry Potter movie so much…


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